Did you guys miss me?! I can just see you now…sitting on the edge of your seat in anticipation, the way I do when the bartender is making me a Michelada.
I’ve been working far too much. Adulting is pretty stupid. There’s not nearly enough time for sleep and the responsibilities are endless, but you can eat cake whenever you want so there’s that. Also, the Micheladas.
As you can imagine; I’ve continued to talk to myself, learned the lyrics (and dance moves) to a few new songs, caused my daughter to roll her eyes at me 1,348 times, tried out some new recipes, made sure my cyber stalker is still around, and learned another language. Ok, fine. I didn’t learn another language, but the intent was there and isn’t that really what matters?
I’m happy to report that no matter how much time passes, my stalker never lets me down. Weeks or months go by and whenever I check in, there she’s been, diligently watching and commenting on my every move. Well, not my every move. I guess she sleeps and everyone poops, but you get the idea.
Now, don’t think I take for granted how lucky I am to have someone so fascinated by me. Sure, I’ve had to change user names multiple times and she says unfavorable things about me, but guys….that’s just a cover! Obviously, she thinks I’m great or she wouldn’t make the effort to know what I’m up to. I’m fascinated by her fascination with me and I can’t have her getting bored and moving on to someone else.
Other than that, I’ve just been preparing for the world to end because…WTF? The incessant violence and all of the hate is sickening. I guess all we can hope for is that someone finally catches all of the Pokémon thus ridding the world of all it’s impurities and creating peace once again. That’s why everyone is working so hard at it, right? I mean, grown adults wouldn’t invest time in it otherwise. Right? Guys?
Holy Frijoles, this is the end.
There are so many things I still have to do in life. I need a pet pig, an owl habitat, and at least 2 more dogs. I have to learn how to make Sushi, fold a fitted sheet properly, and ride a unicycle. LOL on the unicycle. Can you imagine these hips and thighs on that thing?
All of this “End Times” talk makes me wonder what other people have on their lists. I don’t like to call it a bucket list because that’s a little morbid.
I decided to ask around and here’s what we’ve got:
*DISCLAIMER* If you are under 18, have prudish tendencies, or are mature in any way, stop reading now.
1 – Perform a Salsa dance on stage, with lights, live music, and an audience. Clearly, I’ll also be wearing an elaborate dress. Have a dressing room backstage with 5 hot Latinos attending to my every need.(Ok, I added the last part for her. You’re welcome, girl.)
2 – I’d move to the beach, do some parasailing and hot air ballooning. Have a threesome. Get a Yorkie. Spend my Golden Years high as a kite.
3 – Have a partner in life. Like a female partner, with female parts. Buy a place in Vegas and gamble 24/7, 364. Everyone needs a day off.
4 – Become independently wealthy and spend a year in Western Europe ordering a six pack of the finest everything. Also, return the power strips I stole from work.
5 – Participate in and win a Hot Wing eating contest. Have a record breaking(partner induced) 8 orgasms. Get married at least 2 more times. Look amazing in a bikini. Own a pug farm. Learn how to properly do my makeup. Get my Bartending license. Skydive again. Get fake boobs and pierce my nipples.
6 – Go skydiving and scuba diving. Travel Europe. Buy a black 7 Series BMW. Take a cross-country trip, stopping in every town and city to preach the difference between there, they’re, and their.
7 – Get lip injections, a facelift, a boob job, and dye my hair blue. After successfully changing my identity, I’ll travel through Europe with my band. Obviously, I’ll be fluent in Spanish and French so what better time to settle down on a farm in New Zealand with horses and maybe have another kid. In my down time, I’ll write a Sci-fi fantasy novel series and finish all of my tattoos. That’s just the plan for next year. I’ll get back to you with my long term goals, but they will most likely include swimming with dolphins.
* All names have been withheld because these are obviously some shady characters who are probably on some sort of watch list and I don’t want them getting turned in because my daily life would suffer in their absence.
Happy Tuesday, everyone. Go eat your tacos like good Americans.