Trump this.

This is a very difficult time for me. Everyone is angry and I get it. Politics are a bitch and people get ugly, but can we focus on me right now? I didn’t win the lottery again last week, my car insurance went up $13 per month, and I just need you to look at the picture of my dinner on Instagram and like it, dammit! It was delicious. 

My coworkers and I have been late to work multiple times over the last few weeks and we can’t seem to care at all. My boyfriend, who will be 33 next month, came up with the word “Residookie” over the weekend and all I can say is….this is why we can’t have nice things. Also, you DO NOT want to know what motivated that ingenious wordology. 

I’m 96% sure that the folks in my tribe will never completely grow up and they may also be mildly impaired in some way, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

We can care about important issues, stand up for what we believe in, AND still enjoy life. Let’s laugh, drink beers, play some oldies on the jukebox, and talk about poop with our pals. It’s time. We can agree to disagree, flip each other off in our minds and get back to it. 

Enough already.

Spoiler alert: YOU’RE NOT RIGHT. None of you! Don’t put your hope or faith in any human or any type of government. You’ll be let down, every time. 

You’re lucky to have friends at all, you weirdo. Just be grateful that people like you enough to go out in public with you and we’ll all pretend you didn’t pick your nose through the entire year of 2nd Grade.

You’re welcome.

P.S. If you comment any political bullshit on this post, I will sentence you to a lifetime without me and my food pictures. Don’t even try to beg for forgiveness later, it will fall upon deaf ears. You will be greeted with a wedgie from me should we ever cross paths and nothing more. You made your choice. Now take your ball, go home, salvage whatever little dignity you have left, and cry on the inside like a real adult.